


Broken Bones

by greglet



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones Gets Injured, M/M, jim blames himself, mckirk - Freeform, whats new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-07-16 14:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7272730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greglet/pseuds/greglet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones gets beamed down to a war-torn planet only to find himself in the middle of his own battle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

With Jim stuck on the Enterprise playing decorated babysitter, Leonard had been all but dragged to the surface of the planet following a ‘royal’ request for medical assistance. He had a number of nurses with him, not to mention Sulu and Spock, but it still didn’t qualm his nerves when he stepped up to the transporter. There was just something about watching Jim remain solid while the blinding light shone over him as the sign before the imminent scattering of his atoms. It was never fun and Leonard complained about it at every chance he had, but right now, while Jim was refereeing several different elected and unelected tiers, kings, presidents and officials from a variety of planets in a system at constant war, Leonard didn’t want to overwhelm him. 

So, he beamed down and while it wasn’t exactly voluntarily, he was given a few jobs to do to keep him focussed when he got there such as to visit the nearest war-triage centre and dispel some knowledge and hands by way of himself and the nurses that came with him. The trouble was that there was no triage centre to be seen as they arrived on a flat desert plain with a trio of children malnourished to the point of starvation, cut, bleeding, bruised and battered, cowering in a group while a monster of a native towered over them with a baton in one hand and a knife in the other. The weapons were barely necessary over the thickness of the native’s own arms, but it was clear by the marks on the children, the brute was comfortable using either. 

The landing party’s faces had contorted into shock and horror, more so at the eight foot giant in front of them rather than the children. Leonard was looking between the two, assessing just how sick these kids were as the colossal alien took a step forward. 

“Stop-” Sulu shouted from his right as Spock stepped forward on his left.

“Stop where you are, our weapons are more sophisticated than yours and we will fire-” Spock’s ever-steady tone had been raised a few decibels as he withdrew his phaser. Leonard had been pushed behind Sulu and Spock and encircled by the rest of the young ensigns as if he was precious cargo needing defended. 

While Leonard’s eyes dropped to the children at their feet with tears running down their sandy faces, he had become unaware of the phaser battle that had commenced around him. Quickly enough it was apparent that stun-settings did nothing to this alien except slightly singe it. Still, if he had been listening, Leonard would’ve heard Spock remind the group not to fire on kill - it may be logical to assume that the official who sent them wanted this to happen as a catalyst for a new wave of war. Leonard was still focussed on the children who were now looking to him for refuge, care and everything that was in his duty and character to provide.

At another yell from Sulu, Leonard looked up to see the ogre roaring, covering his face with arms as thick as torpedos from their fire as he stepped forward again, his arms raising further as if to charge a blow down on the children whose gaze had switched back to their captor. When the children started to clam up and defend themselves by being as small as possible Leonard had no control over himself as he lurched forward, throwing Sulu out the way as he dove over the children, with his arms up over his own head to defend himself from the rushing blow. 

Leonard didn’t feel the result of the blow until a few seconds later when he was inexplicably on the ground. Part of him wanted to scream in pain but his voice hadn’t quite connected with the brainwave yet. Every hit was seen first and felt later as he registered the quick slice of the knife with the three suns reflecting off the blade, but he couldn’t tell where it had cut him him. Another crushing blow came to his left ribs and he crumpled over the three children whose screams rattled in his ears. The last thing he was conscious of was the familiar tones of a communicator being flipped open before he blacked out. 

#

It was cold on the floor of the transporter bay and Leonard wasn’t sure how he knew that. He wasn’t sure how he knew that Scotty ran to Jim’s side when Jim threw himself into the bay and staggered. He saw the practised faces of teams in med blues standing over him, touching and checking, and each time they raised their hands to point across him, red dripped from finger tips. That was the last he saw of Jim, or anyone else that he could remember. Even though he tried to lift his head up and scan the room to check for Jim, not realising the cool floor and the images were a memory and not reality, but neither his eyes nor his head would comply, and his foggy mind drifted back to unconsciousness. 

#

As he drifted in and out of states of consciousness, he built few memories of things he had heard, such as Jim’s voice agitated, worried, angry, whispering and broken, but the words he had spoken were lost on him. The latest he had heard was a familiar female voice curse after a short clatter of something falling to the floor, but before he could ask who it was or what they had done, he was away again. 

Unsure if it was a few minutes or days after that, he felt a warmth under his palm and through his fingers. Someone was holding his hand with their fingers slid through his and it was annoying him that he couldn’t see who it was. His eyes wouldn’t open and there was an incessant beeping getting louder and faster and wasn’t anyone going to turn that off? Instead of the beeping stopping like he wanted, the warmth from his hand disappeared and he groaned in objection until he felt it return. It was then that the beeping stopped and he could feel the ease in his brow as he settled back and fell away from consciousness once more. 

#

After scrunching his eyes and blinking for a few minutes, he finally found enough focus for his mind to process everything around him. The first thing to strike him was his leg that was lying free from the covers was wrapped in regen devices from his ankle to his thigh - as the first thing on the list, it wasn’t instilling any confidence for the rest of him. Following his leg, he noted the intense twinge discomfort down his left side when he shifted. That was more than enough of a warning not to try and jump out of bed like he usually would after finding himself trapped on the wrong side of medbay. With the scream of pain from his side still radiating around him, he was already dreading seeing what that disaster looked like if that was how it felt.

Raising his left hand to continue his tour de injury, his fingers felt for the source if the tightness around his forehead to find a thick bandage covering something tender. A tug of his brow in reaction had his familiar scowl back in place as he gaze went to his left arm. The same bandage the was stuck to his head trailed up both his arms. With three of his fingers on his right hand in splints, he used his left to peel off a corner of a bandage on his right forearm for an assessing peek. That was a thick slice and if he wasn’t mistaken, it had reached the bone before someone got to it with some stitches, staples and a lot of regen. 

Broken fingers, sliced arms, a very broken right leg and a messed up left side from ribs to pelvis, even Leonard could admit he was going nowhere fast. On the bright side, he thought, at least someone had given him the room without the porthole since the last thing he would want to see right now was the next disaster coming his way. And while that might be the last thing he wanted to see, the first thing he wanted to see wasn’t even here. There was a still steaming cup of something sitting on a white unit next to a series of machines and drips. It was too far from his reach to be for him, so someone must have been here until very recently. In fact, Leonard assumed it would’ve been the curtain rails swishing on their exit that might have woke him up. 

His time alone allowed him further examination of his wounds. Flipping the other side of the covers off his left leg to find nothing beyond a few bruises was a relief. What was then worrying was a tight bandage around his mid thigh that he could only feel stretch upwards. The bandage was thick, definitely rolled in layers which only meant a deep cut… his prognosis was that something must have nicked his artery, which was never good news but he seemed to have lived to tell the tale, at least. 

It was then that the quiet run of the rails took his attention away from his leg and up to find Christine visibly surprised to see him awake before she mellowed. 

“Well, McCoy, looks like you’ll live to see another day.” Folding her arms over herself, her padd came to rest by her side and Leonard couldn’t keep his eyes off it - not that he could make anything out from the distance. 

“What’s the damage?” Leonard asked, already wincing before he knew. His reaction seemed to be well placed as Christine let out a long sigh and glanced at her padd. 

“A lot, Leonard, there was a lot of damage.” She shook her head as she scrolled up what looked like a long list. “Your main issues are your decimated rib cage, splinters of bone in your lungs and blood stream, your clearly broken leg, fingers, sliced up arms, legs, head, an extraordinary concussion and a visitor who is stretched too thin.” Her eyes went to the empty chair and Leonard’s followed. 

“And who is my thinly stretched visitor?” Leonard asked, barely keeping the hope out his voice. 

“Don’t be coy, _McCoy_ , you know who, and the officials are less than pleased he disappears from them every half hour to come here.” While Leonard was pleased it was Jim, he didn’t feel the smile he wanted when his lips pursed. 

“So the nursery is still full then?” Referring to the class of high alien figures, Leonard thought, or hoped, that by now their issues might have been solved and the damn peace treaty that was sitting under watch would’ve been signed already. 

“Yep, but the one who asked for you and the nurses to beam down is in the brigg and awaiting a hearing from starfleet for intent and the rest of them are now scared of the Captain after his blow out.” 

“Jim had a blow out?” Leonard asked, almost in disbelief - Jim was often good at storing his temper, only having it to flare when things really hit the fan. 

“You could call it that.” Christine shrugged. “And before you ask, yes you can have a padd and no you’re not getting solid food until tomorrow, so enjoy your drip.” Handing over the padd in her hand, she left him with a smile, tugging over the curtain before Leonard shouted after her. 

“Chapel - wait, when’s Jim back?” 

“Sooner than you think.” She called from further down the corridor, leaving Leonard to tut at her for being cryptic and not giving him a straight time or at least a real estimate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taken from Jim's perspective because I wanted to explore both sides before wrapping it up. Hope you enjoy.

Jim was trapped. Caught like an animal in a cage and maybe this was what a no-win scenario felt like. His captor, a rude, opinionated High Tier of one of the warring planets before them had insisted on talking with him on the details of the treaty. Of course, Jim, who was playing referee for umpteen officials, didn’t have the time or the will to sit and listen to him, but he had no choice. It wasn’t until Scotty appeared in the doorway of the communal area that Jim found his cue to excuse himself. 

“Captain - please-” The High Tier began, but Jim was already out of reach of his grasping hand with nothing but polite excuses. The rough sigh of a disappointed official could be heard from the corridor and even that didn’t stop Jim from shooting a knowing glance to Scotty who returned sympathy as they stepped into the turbolift. 

“I know they don’t like the treaty, but could they complain less? I didn’t write the stupid thing.” 

“Ah, well Cap’n, yer just gonnae have tae put up wae it a wee bit longer.” Scotty’s ever present accent never seemed to show signs of dilution, even after all this time away from home. “But, the good doctor wisnae causin’ his usual big fuss, but I still don’t think he’s lookin’ forward tae beamin’ doon.” 

“What’s new, Scotty?” 

Scotty didn’t know how right he was as Jim stood behind the transporter panel. Bones’ face remained in it’s usual scowl, but there was a worry and an uncertainty in his eyes. Jim could do nothing, even though he wanted to join him, but he had no choice - and besides, it was a medical mission. Jim’s eyes stuck on Leonard’s as the operators readied them to beam down. As much as Jim wanted to move forward, tell Bones he’d be alright - it was his area of expertise that was needed, after all - Jim stood still. There was a glance passed between them, reassurance that was both shrugged off and silently appreciated before the white light engulfed the med team and Jim turned to leave. 

Maybe he was a little agitated, too. He didn’t like the idea of Bones beaming down without him - and Jim was beyond trying to assign that feeling to his ‘habit’ of beaming down with landing parties - he worried for his friend. They had been on too many missions, too many disasters, for Jim not to be a little worried at every landing party leaving the ship - but in this high strung environment, with this warring system on his plate and Bones in the middle of it, Jim could feel himself pulled a little thin. 

Still, he returned to the communal area with the now aggressively arguing officials. His security teams were already acting like a line of separation, but that meant nothing to flailing arms over heads and vicious tongues slicing insults across the room. Jim didn’t stand to take it in, instead, raised his fingers to his lips for a sinus-clearing whistle over the rabble. Jim might have been playing referee, but when the players are fighting, he can bring in demerits. 

“Enough!” The shock of the whistle and Jim’s authoritative shout granted him silence and attention. “Each of you have already _agreed_ to your part of the treaty, arguing over it now is useless, you each had your chance and you agreed to the terms.” 

“Well-”

“But, you see-” 

“You have agreed to your terms.” Jim said more firmly and loudly than the rest. “You have acted for the better of your people and they will thank you for it.” Jim’s hard stare left no doubt that while their populations might be glad for the infinite ceasefire, Jim wouldn’t be thanking them for much. “So settle _down_ , these people you are fighting all have your economies resting on one another, no planet can function without the others, you cannot ruin your own chances like this.” That was the point in the treaty, each planet would then depend and steer the others by way of trade routes, trade goods and labour markets. The Federation had it’s hand in adding to these plans, making them a little larger with a few incentives - which also meant a few fly-by’s every few months to a solar year, just to keep an eye on a system that has been bent on destroying its neighbours since they discovered they had neighbours. 

Jim’s next wave of his censure was cut short by Scotty’s voice on the ship’s communicator. Stepping to the wall, Jim pressed to talk.

“What is it, Scotty, I’m trying to break u-” 

“Sir, you have tae get tae the transporter bay immediately, it’s an emergency - it’s Doctor McCoy - Jim, _now_.” Without thinking to make excuses, Jim was out the room and whipping to the transporter bay with a freezing rip of numbness striking through his core. When he threw himself into the bay, Scotty was there to catch him as his eyes streaked to the mess on the floor. The deep red stained the usually pristine science blue’s and shone against the bright neon lights of the bay. The puddle grew outwards like a fast but steady leak as contusions deepened and slashes poured. Legs lay at angles that made Jim nauseous and grow weak at his knees as his hand slammed to the panel in front of him for support. McCoy wasn’t injured, he was ripped and broken, shredded and snapped and he was dying in front of his eyes. 

When the nurses and doctors burst in, they wrapped him up and ran him off to med bay where M’benga was waiting with Chapel and a few other select hands for immediate surgery and regeneration. Meanwhile, Jim was debriefed on what happened by Spock and Sulu who escaped without much more of a scratch while three beaten infants were taken elsewhere and the transporter bay floor was disinfected. 

Ultimately it sounded like a rouse - something to start war by the officers of the Federation than themselves, thus giving the Tiers, priests, Kings the chance they needed to break out again. What they had done, however, was put the life of Jim’s closest friend on the line and what Jim had done was let it happen without intervention. He had sent his CMO down to die while he stayed up here, out the way and safe. Once his minute-long debrief had finished, Jim ordered for the officials from the planet in question to be relocated to the brig immediately while he went to the med bay. 

Jim stood outside the operating room he knew McCoy always hoped to never use, but has done on the worst of days. But never did Jim, or probably the doctor himself, expect to be in there and on the table. Jim had overridden M’benga’s code to polarise the operating theatre - it was only Jim in the hallway and he wanted to torture himself with a clear view. 

He was lying on his front, his back painted in both dried and pouring blood as M’benga worked to disinfect and stitch him up. From here Jim couldn’t see much of the damage, or couldn’t until M’benga moved to reach for a set of surgical pliers. From the transporter room floor, Jim could tell him friend had been torn apart from the stains and cuts in his shirt at the front, but the deep gashes on his back were worse than Jim had feared, and he had feared the worst. The slashes were wide and clearly deep, full of rage and seeping with blood - faster than any of the cotton gauzes that M’benga and Chapel were wrestling with could deal with it. 

By the time his back had stopped gushing long enough to be pulled together again, Jim couldn’t stand to watch any longer when the call came to try and flip him over to deal with the “broken ribs” and “organ damage”. Polarising the windows again, Jim left to the brig to deal with his criminals. 

The Tier and his posse were in separate cells, rendering most of the brig full since the Tier insisted on having a small set of troops following him wherever he went. Spock was already at Jim’s side when he entered the brig, the security officers on shift were standing tall around the cells and saluted when Jim walked in. 

“Captain, they are adamant they have nothing to confess to and call for diplomatic immunity. They refute responsibility and threaten us with Starfleet regulation codes.” Spock, his usual balanced tone had an edge to it - Spock could tell they were lying, as could Jim without even hearing any of them talk. 

“ _Captain_ Kirk.” The Tier sneered, “How dare yo-” 

“How _dare_ I?” Jim finished his sentence for him and took a step closer to the cell. “You almost killed my CMO over your own problems, you had him ripped apart - over children you used as bait - by a monster with a knife and a bludgeon, you tried to incite inter-planetary _war_ through my officers, and you stand there, asking ‘how dare _I_ ’?”

The Tier, as Spock suggested earlier, began to deny his accusations but Jim didn’t let him splutter for long. 

“I trusted that you needed medical help and I sent my most advanced medical expert and a group of his choosing down there to assist.” Jim’s bright eyes met the Tier’s. “Doctor McCoy was made readily available to help your ailing people and you abused that, and not only do I blame you, since this was your plan, but I blame myself for not seeing it quicker.” 

“I did _nothing_.” 

The back and forth went on but was ended eventually with a recall of corridor footage detailing the Tier exchanging quiet information with some of his group about the medical teams, one specifically important doctor, and the ruse as Jim has assumed. It was sufficient evidence, but what did it matter? Evidence meant nothing when the doctor in question was too close to death for Jim’s peace of mind. And this had only been a way to let out Jim’s fire, but that didn’t really work either. He was blaming it on himself too much for the anger he felt to be let out at the Tier. Jim wasn’t sure what sort of expression he had on his face, but when Spock took a step towards him with his brows pulled slightly, Jim straightened himself out.

“Captain?”

“Mr Spock, you can book ‘em from here, I have a patient to check on.” With Spock’s accepting nod, Jim left and walked steadily from the brig to the turbolift before he almost slid down the wall under the weight of the blame he was pushing on himself. Why didn’t he see it quicker? These ‘officials’ had been fighting for millennia and Jim never thought to watch them closer, never thought to be suspicious of their every move, never thought to post restrictions. Why? Because he was too hopeful for that they would be bigger than themselves. But instead, they were petty, reckless and downright ruthless and Jim sent Bones to die. He sent Spock and Sulu too, but it wasn’t in their nature not to carry phasers on medical missions, not to throw themselves over the weak and hurt, and not to use themselves as shields when there was no other options - they were not healers, they were not there to heal. Bones was there to heal and instead, he almost got killed - on Jim’s orders. 

When the lift stopped on the med bay level, Jim straightened from where he had bent over to rest his palms on his knees, his head dipped down into his chest, before the doors opened. He had no intention of visiting Leonard because he didn’t want to see him tucked in a bed, covered in bandages and bruises, but he would take an update from whichever doctor or nurse he saw first. M’benga rounded the bay as Jim walked in, which was a surprise for both of them.

“Shouldn’t you be in surgery?” Jim asked, as evenly as he could, trying to keep the confused shock out his voice. 

“We’re not long out, Captain.” M’benga explained before turning on his heels into Leonard’s office, expecting Jim to follow. “He won’t be awake for a few days yet, he took some damage.” 

“Tell me.” Jim asked in an unasserted order.

“Well, his leg was broken in more places than I’ve seen a single leg broken, really it was shattered.” Jim’s throat went dry at the thought as M’benga continued. “His left side of his rib cage was just as...smashed, and then all those fragments tore up his lungs, so the internal bleeding was just as bad as the external bleeding.” 

Jim nodded and dipped his head, thinking about how if he had just been quicker, sharper, more _aware_ , none of this would have happened.

“And then,” Jim didn’t think the list was any longer after M’benga had mentioned the bleeding and his eyes were full of regret when he looked up. “Three broken fingers, one dislocated, an incredible concussion and not to mention the endless lists of cuts, slashes and gashes that are just scribbled over his legs, arms and head.” 

Jim nodded, committed to his regret. 

“I’m not going to lie, or hide the truth, Captain, but it was touch and go - after you left, his heart stopped. He had a few transfusions… he'll be getting more before shift changes and he's under twenty four hour watch.” M’benga handed Jim a padd with all of the monitored vitals which ran from brain activity, blood flow and core temperature to galvanic skin responses, nerve responses to the most necessary and basic, heart rate. Jim could feel himself lose colour as his eyes scanned the fluttering numbers in front of him. “He’ll make it, but it'll take time, even with all the regen devices strapped to him. He's gonna be pissed when I hand him crutches, but he'll need them.” 

Jim almost smiled at the thought. His CMO might be known for his strict adherence to the rules of recovery for everyone else aboard the ship, but when it came to himself, he never liked it. But he really would hate this, M’Benga was right, and all Jim could think about was that he put Leonard in that position. 

“He won’t be awake for a few days, but, you can go see him if you wa-” 

“No, no, it’s fine, I have -”

“They can wait, Captain, but you stressing over this won’t help anyone.” M’benga stood from the desk, making his way to the door, hanging back expectantly for Jim to follow him. “He’s on the other side of the operating deck, the room with no portside windows since we didn’t want him to wake up and ruin his synthetically stable mood.” 

Jim’s jaw clenched as he stepped through the corridors of med bay, passing other injured officers on his way and giving each of them nods. The bays were quiet, only a few officers sitting on the edge of beds being seen to and even less lying down. Every ship had regulations for each ensign to operate effectively and healthily, but Jim knew that the fear of dealing with McCoy over a stupid injury had his crew being extra careful in their operations. 

M’benga left him in the hallway, pointing him into the last private room on the left - the only one in use with the lights shining out into the dull corridor. At the sight of a leg bound in white and carefully stretched to heal, Jim took a step back out the room. He battled over appropriateness - too soon, or did he even deserve to see him?

Maybe it was just to make himself feel worse, but he gathered himself and stepped into the room, pushing himself to stop at the bedside and look at the damage. Being held together by tape and gauze, Leonard did not look peaceful where he lay. His usual scowl was at rest, but the black bruises, red gashes and shallow cuts not hidden by bandage were angry enough to suggest anything but peace. 

_”Bones, c’mon, it’ll be what? Four hours tops? Ya just gotta go down - with a load of your nurses - stick some bandaids on some aliens and come right back up. Easy!”_

_”Jim, you know it’s not the work that’s making me…”_

_”Making you what Bones?” Jim didn’t give Bones enough time to reply; they both knew what beaming down did to him. “Besides, Sulu and Spock are gonna be there.” As Jim expected, Spock’s name had Leonard drawing him a look of disdain._

_”Dammit, Jim, I thought you were tryin’ to make me feel better, not worse.” Bones rolled his eyes and started to walk away as Jim reached for his wrist, his thumb just close enough to graze Leonard’s palm._

_”You’ll be fine, Bones, I’ll have Scotty transport you himself - and I’ll be there too.” With his bright eyes full of promise and honesty, Jim got a nod of agreement from Bones, and with a soft push of his thumb into Leonard’s palm, he dropped his hand and stepped off with a smile on his face. “See you in the transporter bay.”_

Jim pushed his back to the wall to the bed’s left. It was a mess, Leonard was a mess and he, himself, was a mess. The bright white of clinical machines shone a hope that Jim felt he didn’t deserve to wish on, while dark bruises hit him with painful responsibility. Jim’s gaze lowered to Leonard’s left hand that sat loosely by his side in the position all unconscious patients were arranged in. Nothing about the way he was lying said ‘Bones’, not with his arms by his side and lying gently on his back when his hands should be shoved under his pillow, while he lay heavy on his front. 

Not able to hang over his torn friend any more, he left briskly, not stopping to talk to Chapel or further to M’benga. Jim headed straight for the bridge and opened communications with Starfleet, requesting permission for a hearing for the full charges brought against the war criminal is his brig. He was then launched into a series of gruelling meetings over the intricate details in the matter - something he remained objective about, but when the meetings finally ended several long hours later, he sobbed until he was ill at the gaping dark inside him that was threatening to implode upon the very possible death of his doctor.

When Jim was on shift next, he spent his time on the bridge in silence, watching distant stars zip past on their way to a starbase with a suitable court system. It wasn’t until midday shiptime that he made his way to the communal area where the large gathering of displeased and irritated officials had already begun fighting. When Jim arrived, he spent only a minute to watch the wrestling aliens before stepping in himself. Pushing them apart, he quickly became the target of their wild fists, but with the pent up rage Jim had been working on on the bridge, neither alien was a match for Jim’s swift and weighted hits that knocked both of them to the ground and into submission. 

“That’s _enough_!” The volume of Jim’s sneer could be heard behind the communal room, stopping yeomen and ensigns in the corridors as Jim loosed his anger on the alien’s and their followers. His fury lasted short minutes but his words were enough to quell the fight within the Enterprise’s guests before they got to their feet and claws again. Jim’s tone was more than venomous and enough for dipped heads and bows of apology when he finally finished - but these did nothing to sap his temper at the situation but also at himself. From here, he made himself scarce, leaving his babysitting duties to sit on the bridge and sulk, growing sicker and sicker of himself and his irresponsible choice as time went on. 

Eventually he made his way back to med bay in the coming days, but not to pay any visits. Instead, he went to ensure his PADD had been receiving the correct vital data - not that Jim found it _wrong_ , but sometimes he couldn’t convince himself it wasn’t worse. He often couldn’t find Chapel or M’benga to talk to until he was almost back at McCoy’s room, which scared him more with every step closer. And he could tell they were getting just as worried about him as they were about Leonard, even with Jim trying to rearrange his face into something more acceptable every time he went into medical. Jim wanted updates on the healing process, but when he wasn’t told anything he didn’t learn from the PADD, he grew impatient and while he didn’t mean to pull rank on two people he owed so much to, he was ashamed to say he used it.

“Sir, I’m not lying and I’m not hiding anything from you, Leonard _is_ progressing, but I can’t tell you anything more than what you see here - that’s all we know too.” There was pity in M’benga’s eyes, the same he could see in Chapel’s each time he saw her. “Captain, please, go see for yourself.” 

Jim swallowed hard at the thought but as M’benga stepped to the side, Jim automatically stepped forward before he could stop himself. There had been a pull to visit for days, but the part of him that was trying to soak up all the blame, responsibility and consequences for the attack couldn’t let him go. But here he was too close not to submit to the gravity. Not much had changed in the room except a chair by the bedside. He assumed for the doctors or nurses on their longer checks and examinations, and before he could think himself out of it, Jim sank into the chair. 

He had yet to look at his friend, trying too hard to bite back the tears as he stared on at the opposite wall. His gaze eventually dropped to his boots and the floor when he failed to keep the tears back. 

“Shit, Bones.” Jim’s fists unfurled and went to rub his eyes clear before he sat back in the chair. “I’m sor… I’m _sorry_ , I should’ve seen it.” Jim’s lip wavered between his teeth as he dropped a hand onto the bed next to Leonard’s left. His left hand seemed to be the only part of him that wasn’t damaged in some way. It took a few moments before Jim threaded his fingers through Leonard’s and his other hand went to rub over the remaining tears under his eyes. “I should’ve seen it, I can’t promise to keep you safe and send you to situations like that - I should’ve seen it… it should be me on that damn bed.” 

A new wave of tears were building when one of the monitors started to pick up, beeping quicker and louder. Jim was shouting for M’benga and Chapel before the alert came through on the linked PADDs. There was no noticeable change to the man in front of him, but he was no doctor - he was in no position to guess, no position to even look at Leonard right now. When a team of far more equipped and trusted professionals made their way in, Jim escaped for the next eight hours, but his eyes never left his linked up PADD. He watched as Leonard returned to steady, safe numbers and the draw to return to his bedside was too strong to ignore come another night of lonesome worry. 

With a steaming cup of the on-call nurses coffee, Jim made his way to Leonard’s room to sit and be a present force while the patient slept on, unaware. It gave Jim time to consider what sort of repercussions he should impose on himself for being so irresponsible and naive in the first place. He was half way through considering doing what Bones had always aimed for, and just letting him find a nice starbase or a pretty planet and settle while Jim carried on in the black, empty and devastated. Maybe it was dramatic, but Jim was the source of this issue; he pushed Leonard into remaining aboard the Enterprise, pushed him to transport down to that attack while Leonard asked for none of it. And Jim ignored him.

How many times had Jim rolled his eyes and slapped Bones over the shoulder when he complained about one of their many missions-gone-crazy? But how many times had Bones complained about them? It had never crossed Jim’s mind to consider that Leonard might have been serious or really considering settling down and finding his way without the unexpected rush of exploratory, but dangerous, missions. And missions really could be harmful, but Jim was too happy go lucky to think about the consequences of dragging teams of people into foreign landscapes. Now, his best friend, his reality influence, his north star to steer by, was almost dead because Jim had not been sharp enough. 

His watery gaze switched to the PADD in his grasp as he flicked through the details before a message beeped over the top.

[Lt. Cmdr Spock: Disagreement in communal area 4]

With one last glance at Leonard, Jim left, deploying security to the area before he followed it up with a visit from himself. He was half way through the ship before he realised he left his coffee. His disappointment in the knowledge that his cup would be cold before he returned was audible as he sighed before rounding into the area, promising to sort this out quickly enough to return to med bay and maybe discuss patient transport with Chapel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part will hopefully come to a conclusion if I can find one. I have planned for 3 parts and I hope to stick to it. Anyways, let me know what you's are thinking!


	3. Chapter 3

Jim could do nothing more than lay out the truth. Although, it may have have been the truth, it came out far louder and harsher than he had planned it to. This time, he felt a slice of the anger leave him. It wasn’t much, and he was sure he could find it again if he tried to look for it, but for now, his shoulders had dropped a few degrees from the emotional expulsion. Jim then went on to impose on all non-crew - to which some called unfair, but Jim was beyond being ‘fair’, this was the time for his rule on his ship and he said _curfew_. It was imposed from then on, they only had a day left to they reached the starbase with the court system he needed - at which point one prisoner would be dropped off, and maybe one patient. 

Jim made his way back to medical, wanting to talk to Chapel about moving Leonard to the facilities on the starbase. He wanted an opinion on when Leonard might wake up - it was his choice too, and the more Jim thought about the times he had disregarded Leonard talking about a ‘nice planet’ or a ‘calm starbase’, the surer he became that Leonard would take the offer. Reaching medical, Jim found it void of anyone. M’benga was missing as well as Chapel and none of the nurses could point him in their direction. Instead of waiting for a familiar face, he took to wandering back down towards Leonard’s room, hoping for someone to turn up. 

“Chapel?” He called, poking his head into the small staff rooms and the supply closets to find no one. He called out again as he reached Leonard’s room, hoping she had just been checking him over and hadn’t heard him, but he never got the reply he was looking for. 

“Jim?” The familiar drawl of his name had him stopping in the hall. He couldn’t see much of Leonard from where he stood which only meant Leonard hadn’t seen him yet - but that was stupid, he’d _heard_ him, he couldn’t just run and pretend he hadn’t been here. “That you?”

“Bones?” Jim called back, his voice full of hesitation when he knew he should be dropping to Leonard’s side, ecstatic he was awake. 

“Jim, get in here-” Jim followed his orders, stepping into the room to be met with a bleary eyed Leonard who’s slick half grin felt like a punch to the stomach. “Jim-” Leonard struggled against the equipment and blankets, wincing through the pain to push himself up further for a better look at Jim. 

“Hey, what you doing- Bones, stay still-” Jim stepped over trying to usher Leonard back to immobility, disregarding the coffee he had been longing for since he left. “Chapel’ll have both of us if you keep moving about.” 

“S’good to see you, Jim.” Leonard reached to grasp at Jim’s hand that was loose by his side and after a small squeeze of it, Jim let go too quickly but brushed it off as eagerness to pull a seat up to the bed. Still, Leonard noticed Jim’s hands were firmly clasped between his own knees and out of reach of grasping. “What’s been going on? I haven’t seen Jeffrey, but Chapel told me the damage, but I don’t remember much.” The end of his sentence was almost a whisper and in the following silence, Leonard’s eyes asked Jim not to report on that. 

“Well, from what I know, it’s probably better than you don’t remember.” Jim said, only the smallest twitch of a smirk; one that neither of them really felt. “All I know is that you threw yourself over some kids-” 

“Shit, the kids!”

“They’re _fine_ , Bones, they healed up a lot quicker than you, and right now they’re in Holo Deck Four with Rand.” Leonard relaxed again with a nod of his head at that. Since he had woken, he could only remember the smallest details. What he did remember was a silver flash against the red sand of the planet, the boots of the landing crew; black for Spock and Sulu, white for the nurses that followed him. He could hear the phaser blasts and the roars, but trying to remember anything else felt like fighting against the grain so he gave up - like Jim said, why would he want to remember in the first place? 

“I can’t wait to get outta this quadrant, Jim, the sooner that shitty planet is behind us, the better.” He said with a tired drawl - this being awake and chatting was far more draining than he had ever thought before. He looked up at Jim with a soft smile, happy with his company even if he was sleepy. “So, where to next, cap’n? Can I request somewhere without the danger of death?” 

“Well, actually, Bones, that was something I was gonna talk to you about.” Jim said cautiously, reminding himself of all the different times Leonard had actively pined for a calm life on the warm coast of some laid back planet or base. “I, uh, I think it’s time for a break.” 

“Shore leave? Thank _God_ , Jim-” 

“No, not shore leave, more like a transfer than a break.” Leonard’s brow dipped, unsure where Jim was going with this while Jim’s hand went to the back of his neck. “For you.” 

“I didn’t apply for a transfer.” Leonard said through a squint as he tried to be certain in his statement. “No, I definitely didn’t.” 

“No, you didn’t, but I think you’re right - you always talk about getting off the ship and out of space and finding a place to settle, so I’m giving you it.” 

“What?” Leonard asked flatly, a smile almost appearing at his lips, testing for whether or not this was a joke.

“You always say it’s what you want, a place to settle with no danger or chaos, I think it’s time you get that.” Jim repeated more plainly. It was difficult for him seeing Leonard like this, but he wanted to feel that it must be obvious, in this situation, with Bones wrapped up on the wrong side of MedBay, and Jim sitting by his side, that a transfer to somewhere _safe_ was only… logical. 

“Jim, you’re fucking kidding me.” 

“It’s what-”

“If you say it’s ‘what I want’ one more time, I swear to God-”

“Bones, calm down, your heart-”

“My heart can do whatever the goddamn hell it pleases, but you, Jim Kirk, have no damn right-”

“Bones-”

“Don’t _Bones_ me, Jim-” The alarm from Leonard’s biobed was blaring wildly, but it wasn’t quite as furious as Leonard himself with his pointed finger in Jim’s face and a sneer across his lips. “You’re throwing me off ‘cause you can’t fucking handle this, and I’m sorry if this is news to you, kid, but I can handle my damn self - above that, how dare you, _you_ of all people, panic when I get hurt when you have no fucking regard for yourself!” 

Jim hadn’t noticed he had got to his feet nor stepped to press his back to the wall, but that might have happened when the on call nurses stepped in to calm Leonard down to a riot and get his blood pressure stabilised. It was a bad idea when it crossed Jim’s mind to leave and it seemed that when his gaze went to the door and back to Leonard, who was still lecturing him with increasing volume, it was Jim’s only tell of his escape plan - one that Leonard exploited immediately.

“Don’t you run away from this, Jim, don’t you fucking drop that bomb and leave-” Leonard was shouting at an empty space. The nurses had politely suggested maybe it was better for Jim to leave - they had suggested it to Leonard but the minute the option was in the air, Jim was gone. “ _Fucking coward_.” Leonard shouted up the hall after him and maybe it was childish, venomous and hurtful, but fuck if he didn’t feel heartbroken himself. 

It was a challenge getting Leonard’s vitals down again and didn’t happen naturally. With more sedatives in him than he would’ve agreed to, his vitals remained steady through his foggy mind. Still, cloudy, foggy or as sober and clear as a Monday in June, Leonard had no doubts in the reasoning behind his forced transfer. Jim panicked seeing him in the bed like this. Sure, he was no pretty sight; the bandages, cuts, bruises and the rest seen to the fact he was a walking horror show - or a horizontal horror show - but that didn’t give anyone the right to throw him off the boat. Not that he was going. No way, no way in hell. For the both of them, Leonard would fight this with whatever he had left in his tank. 

Still, it made him wonder just how often he had complained to Jim about needing to find his own space, needing to set up shack on a beautiful coast with no worries and only enough responsibility to keep him out of trouble… he wondered why he lied so often. Exaggeration might be a better word for it since of course he would love a few weeks of slow rest but this tin can, whizzing around in the black, had become his home, or at least the people on it. Even Spock had a part to play in this, but Jim meant something different. Jim was home, Jim was his fresh sun on a neon ship and Leonard wouldn’t bear any goddamn transfer without him.

Leonard didn’t bother wondering what propelled the panic, or the intensity of it. He could answer that himself, no soul searching needed. He and Jim and stumbled upon an intimacy neither of them wanted to point out. All the tiptoeing around it has lead to exactly what Leonard had expected: a disaster. It had started before they knew it, but it could be argued that it had always been there. They acknowledged it in the silence of held glances across the bridge, or the twining of fingers when they stood close in private or in a crowd, or, most obviously, when Jim stumbled into Leonard’s quarters after a long shift for a ‘chat’ that ended up being a sleepover. Not that they ever did anything more than sleep. Except those few times they woke up tangled around each other - but they didn’t talk about that. They didn’t talk about any of it, but it was there and now it was ruining even their friendship, and that was something he definitely couldn’t live without.

It wasn’t morning when he woke up again, but Jeffrey was in the chair by his bed reading something on a padd. 

“What’s the expression? A watched pot never boils? If you lot don’t stop watching me, I’ll never heal up.” Jeffrey was startled as Leonard spoke, but he settled into a small smirk. 

“I don’t think we could keep you in here any longer than we had to if we tried, Leonard.” Jeffrey replied, setting down his padd. “How’re you feeling?”

Leonard raised a hand loosely by his side before dropping it again in answer. “No physical complaints that you can’t already see.”

“Pain?”

“You already got me covered on the meds, Jeff.” Leonard said with a raised brow.

“Alright, ‘cause hearing this isn’t gonna be fun.” 

“Hearing what?” 

“I think the transfer will be good for you.”

“Oh, Jesus H, change the fucking record, will ya?” Leonard growled with a shake of his head. “Why’re _you_ saying this? After my job? Sick of me?”

“Leonard, c’mon, take a look at yourself-”

“A look at myself? Are you saying you think this transfer will be good for my _health_?” Leonard’s features arranged into disbelief as M’benga put his hands up in defence and slouched back into his chair. “Let me guess, Captain James T “I’m allowed to kick the bucket three times a week but no one else is” Kirk made you talk to me, huh? Trying to get me to see the ‘beneficial side’ of being cleared of my duties and launched off the ship?” 

Jeffrey shrugged and Leonard tutted and shook his head again. 

“Leonard, listen, I think he’s right, you carry your stress and you’ve been holding it up for too long, just take a break - no one is saying it’s a permanent thing.”

“Oh, great, so which planet are you marooning me on and how long will it be before you circle back for me?” Leonard pushed for an answer but Jeffrey pursed his lips. “Oh, right, yeah, sorry, what were you saying about it not being a permanent thing?” 

“What do you want me to say, Leonard?” 

“Nothin’! I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t request this, I sure as hell don’t think I _deserve_ this, so you can tell Jim that I ain’t discussin’ this with anyone - and if he comes back to convince me, he can fuck back off to his hiding place ‘cause I ain’t fucking listening.” The whole idea was getting to him, he could feel his shoulders hunching under the strain, but when Jeffrey made to leave, Leonard stuck out a hand to stop him. “Hey, wait, just- sit.” 

“The Captain’s about to go off shift, he wanted an update on you before he left the bridge, so what do you want me to tell him?” Jeffrey hadn’t sat down, but he hadn’t made it any closer to the door, either. 

“Just tell him that I am not leaving this ship and it’s not even an option.” Jeffrey dipped his head and rubbed a hand across his jaw. “And, maybe, if he could bear it, a visit wouldn’t go amiss.” Leonard added quietly, his gaze on his bandaged legs, ignoring the part of him that hated begging for a visit.

“Alright, Len, I’ll tell him - in fifteen minutes he’ll be in his own quarters and I’m just sayin’, but you can comm him through that padd over there.” M’benga’s head tilted towards the padd on Leonard’s right bedside drawer unit and Leonard nodded, catching the hint. “And, no, I’m not after your job - you know I don’t like your office.” 

Leonard cracked a gruff smirk at that. It was true, after all, Jeffrey actually liked watching the stars slip past while everyone knew it just made Leonard nauseous. After M’benga had left, Leonard made a reach for the padd from the unit and brought it to his lap. The stretch made some of the cuts burn under their bandages, but it was all quickly dulled by the pain medication already in his system. He waited for as long as Jeffrey had said and then a little longer, making sure Jim was absolutely off shift before he brought up his name on screen, ready to call. It was some time later before he raised a finger to tap his name, and some time after that before he threw the padd down towards his feet in anger. If Jim wanted to talk to him after hearing what Jeffrey said, then Jim would have to come see him - face to face.

Except that he didn’t, and Leonard could tell they had docked now. When the background hum of the warp drives and engines had slowed to a noticeable idle and the staff in MedBay were wheeling trolleys of new supplies, all Leonard could do was peer over his shoulder and out into the small slice of hallway he could see. Then, eventually, his neck was getting a crick and the last thing he needed right now was a self-induced injury to add to his current tome. With a sigh he gave up waiting - he knew he would only pretend that he hadn’t been stealing glances down the hallway in wait if Jim _had_ turned up. Still, every set of footsteps had him perking up with hope. Even if he didn’t want to feel _hope_.

When Christine turned up with lunch he couldn’t stop himself from asking what was going on - he had already planned his questions, ones that would ask where Jim was but in a way that didn’t seem like he was asking about Jim. 

“So, where in the hell are we now?” 

“Starbase twenty-one.” 

“How long’ve we been here?” 

“Three hours.” Christine answered with a sigh and Leonard couldn’t help but wonder if she had caught onto him already. 

“Are the aliens who are meant to be off the ship off yet?” Leonard’s eyes followed Christine as he asked, watching her busy herself with the bedsheets and adjusting regen devices as if he hadn’t been doing that himself. Her answer, however, was disappointing and it was clear she was tired of being interviewed.

“Leonard, do I look like the captain? All I know is we’re at twenty-one, we’ve been stopped for three hours and my nurses are emptying boxes of supplies.” She finished with a shrug. 

“Well, what about Jeffrey, does he know anything?” Leonard pressed.

“Only because I’ve just seen them leave, but the Tier and his followers have just been removed.” M’benga mentioned from the doorway. Jeffrey’s answer lead Leonard to one conclusion; he was next to be removed - or maybe not if Jeffrey had spoken to Jim.

“Did you, uh, talk to…-” Leonard trailed off, but M’benga knew what he was referring to and shook his head in a quick answer.

“No, I couldn’t get a minute with him, he was fixing up the transference of the aliens along with his evidence for their trial.” The disappointment weighed at Leonard’s pursed lips and brought out an apology from Jeffrey. “I’m sorry, Leonard, but when he asked if it was a health update about you and I said no, he said he couldn’t get away.” 

Leonard’s brow raised, giving away his thoughts on the matter which tempted Christine to add her own thoughts.

“Really, Leonard, he’s the captain first - even I know what the load is like for transferring criminals.” Christine roughly patted the edge of his sheet down with a stern glance that had his brow dipping in frustration.

“Captain first? What about a damn friend? Or just not an _assho_ -” 

“If you’re going to insult the captain when I _know_ the only one who should be getting put back in line over their attitude is _you_ , you can be left to your own company - and I’ll be taking Jeffrey with me.” Chapel warned, and when Leonard took a breath to argue back, she only raised a finger to stop him. “ _Leonard McCoy_ , don’t you think about trying to defend yourself, I heard your tiff with the captain and he didn’t deserve it, he was only thinking of you.” 

“Oh? Was he now? ‘Cause it sounds more like he’s firing me.” 

“I used to think the captain was stubborn, then I thought Mr Spock was stubborn, but you, you’re the most stubborn out the three of you!” 

“I have to agree, Len, you can be difficult when you want to be.” Jeffrey piped up, still leaning on the doorway and earning himself a dangerous glance from the patient. 

“Jim was not thinking of me when he threatened-”

“God, Leonard, listen to yourself - ‘ _threatened_ ’ - you make it sound so violent.” Chapel rolled her eyes and Leonard struggled against the feeling of not being listened to. Christine went on, saying how Jim really had been thinking of only Leonard’s health, but Christine clearly hadn’t caught the undertone between him and Jim. The mere thought that Jim wanted him off this ship hurt him so much that he could barely stand to be this civil about it. Part of him wanted to comm Jim immediately, ask him if that’s what he really wanted, while some other part wanted to follow through on spite - then again, was he really the type of person to cut ties with Jim for spite? He hoped not, he hoped that was just the hurt talking. 

“His duty is to everyone aboard this ship, and just like you, that means everyone’s _health_ -” 

“ _Christine_.” Leonard looked up at her, almost pleading for the lecture to end.

“Fine, all I’m saying is it was a caring gesture and you are way out of line.” Leonard shook his head at Christine’s conclusions, but really didn’t have the energy to fight them any longer. “Leonard,” She started with a sigh, “Whatever is going on between you and Jim didn’t need you shouting after him up the hall - seeing you on the transporter bay floor did something to him, we all saw it.” 

“Can you just leave me for an hour, I’m tired.” It was a weak excuse, but he really didn’t want to be talking about this any more. 

“No wonder; all this fighting, but you scared him - God, you scared all of us, some of my nurses are still shaking like leaves after what you did, diving in front of those kids.” Christine sighed again, but more so in pity of Leonard’s actions and his consequential state than any of his emotional or relationship-damaging fuck ups. “But yes, we’ll both leave you be - I’ll be back later, okay?” 

Leonard gave her a half smile in answer as they both turned to leave. For the next ten minutes, he played on the padd, reading up on his own reports from surgery and the notes on his state when he was beamed to the transporter bay. There was a link to the footage in the report but he couldn’t bring himself to click to it. It wasn’t long after he had scanned the latest data from the regen devices had he fallen asleep, the padd still in his hand. It had been going around in his mind that if there was ever a time to stay awake, it would be now, with the easy possibility of either Jim coming to discuss his transfer or for Starbase security to try and wheel him out without his permission. Maybe the second option was a little too rough, and maybe Christine had been right about blowing it out of proportion, but even in his half conscious state he knew he hadn’t been the only one to fuck up, here. Jim had started it. Jim was the one pushing to get Leonard off the ship to punish himself while Leonard was the one chaining himself to the wall.

The politics of the situation worked Leonard’s mind into a full sleep, and by the time Christine came back he was completely out of it. It then meant that when Jim slinked down to MedBay to try and talk it out like the rational adult he wanted to be, he only found Chapel, hushing Jim’s calls to her. 

“He’s asleep and he needs it, Captain.” Christine stated. “And trust me, I’m more than ready for you two to make up, but not now, he needs the rest.” 

“Can I wait?” Jim asked quietly, gesturing to the ever present chair at the bedside. “I’ll be quiet, I won’t wake him.” 

Jim read every angle of pity from Christine’s face before she nodded and left him. Jim didn’t like to be pitied, he’d had enough of that to do him three lifetimes over, but right now, he could appreciate where it came from. More than that, he appreciated that his staff cared enough for him and their CMO to feel like this when he and Leonard were at odds. And these odds were so _odd_ , Jim wasn’t sure how it even got into such a mess. Maybe he had deluded himself or handed himself a punishment too large. Sure, people were going to get hurt, that much was unavoidable - that much they told you in Starfleet. But they never said it would be the medical staff, they never said the CMO was in danger, nor did they warn you that when the CMO almost dies, part of you almost dies with him. It had been a stupid move to hand Leonard his scarred heart and hope for Leonard’s in return - it had been even more stupid to realise he had become this in love with him without noticing. But, that was Jim - doing stupid things and finding himself in trouble by accident was his forte. And not knowing if Leonard was on the same page as him was hurting as bad as the injuries and the arguments. 

It was an hour and another scroll through the transfer scripts Jim had ordered for Leonard during the evidence handover before Leonard started to stir. Jim’s first reaction was to escape again. The harsh pull in his chest tried to heave him out the chair and leave Leonard to wake up alone, but he stayed, quiet and solid. Jim had felt it was the honest thing to do, to wait for him to wake, but when he caught a flicker of anger in those tired hazels, he averted his gaze to his feet.

“Time to go, is it?” Leonard drawled out. “If you think you can just wheel me out-”

“Bones, that was never going to happen, this was going to be your decision, too.” 

“Was it? Then why does it feel like I’ve been fired ‘cause I got hurt?” Leonard asked, a brow raised in wait for an answer. 

“‘Cause you took it wrong way-” 

“ _I_ took-”

“Bones,” Jim’s authoritative voice cut Leonard off. “You were never being fired, no one is better for this position than you, it was never about your _job_ , it was about your he-” 

“Don’t say health, I’m so sick of people talking about my health, don’t you think I can see that my ‘health’ is a bit shit right now?” Leonard gestured to his bandages making Jim dip his head. “Just be honest and say you panicked.” 

Jim slowly nodded, but his silence wasn’t giving Leonard any confirmation. 

“Or not, then you can go pack my fuckin’ bags.” 

“I’m not packing your bags, Bones.” 

“I gotta do it myself?” 

“ _No one_ is packing any bags, will you stop being so hostile?” Jim’s brow was drawn as much Leonard’s, but despite the doctor being in pain, Jim was showing it more. “And you’re right, fine, I panicked - the doctors aren’t supposed to be the ones bleeding on the floor.” 

Leonard raised his brow in agreement, but kept silent, he didn’t really know what to interrupt with. 

“Or, really, it’s not _you_ that’s supposed to be bleeding on the floor, it’s me - it _should’ve_ been me.” Jim admission was barely a whisper but it got more than a rise out of Leonard.

“What do you mean _should’ve_? When did _anyone_ have to bleeding on the floor? Can’t we have a day where no one is bleeding on the damn floor?” Leonard shook his head before starting up again. “And why does it always have to be you? You say I’m being hostile but will you stop being the goddamn hero? You think it’s difficult seeing me like this well, fuck, Jim, d’you think it’s easy seeing you like this every other Tuesday?” 

Leonard paused as Jim adjusted in his seat, but with no reply, he went on. “I’ve come to expect it, y’know, disaster - come to expect you on the floor and do you know what that does, Jim?” 

“Anxious mess? Worried sick?” Jim said, a small smirk on his lips; it was the voice of recent experience that had him rhyming off the terms. He had just come out the other side of them, after all. 

“Yeah.” Leonard quietly agreed, finding an unexpected common ground in an argument. “You experience it one time and you want to throw me off and wrap me up in some safety net - I experience this once a goddamn week, and what do I get? Another dose of it all over again the week after.” 

“What do you want me to do, Bones, I can’t just leave my crew.” Jim said quietly, not wanting to rouse any more fight from Leonard.

“No, but, damn it, Jim, can you maybe be more careful?” 

“But, you’ll always patch me up, right?” 

“Jim - how can you ask me that? What if one time I can’t? What if it’s too much and you’re too far gone - what if it’s you bleeding on the floor with stab wounds and shattered bones and rib cages and a concussion that’d scare a whale?” 

“You’ve managed so far.” 

“You don’t get it, do you?” Leonard shook his head, wondering why he ever thought he and Jim were on the same page - wondering if he had been deluded all this time. “You’re missin’ the whole damn thing-”

“I’m not.” Jim said, succinct and sure.

“No, you are-” Leonard countered, but Jim shook his head. 

“I know what you’re meaning, that you’d blame yourself.” 

“Blame myself? Jim, I wouldn’t just blame myself, I’d be pissed at you, too, but you’re not getting it - I see you bleeding, cut, bruised and broken on my table once a week, I see you patched up on the bridge on our way to the next far out habitat just waitin’ to open up those cuts again, I see you on the transporter bay,” Leonard’s breath hitched in his throat as his gaze unfocused on the wall in front of him, “With your landing party and I think… maybe it’s this time he leaves you.” 

“Bones, I…” Jim stuttered while Leonard sighed and continued, pulling at the regen device around his knee. 

“Then you come back and you’re cut up, so I fix it and you end up in my quarters, you sleep with me and we don’t talk about it.” Leonard shrugged. “Then you’re on that damn transporter again, and I worry that I should’ve said something the last time you stayed with me because what if it was my last chance?” 

“I’ll always come back to you, Bones.” 

“Well, great, but, I don’t think that means anything now.” His hands lay at rest by his sides, but he was almost aching to reach out for Jim. “I get hurt one time and you get my transcripts ready? Don’t tell me that’s not what sitting on that padd, Jim, I’m not stupid.” Jim moved to defend himself, but Leonard spoke over his intake of breath. “But what does that tell me? Yeah, you panicked, but you don’t need me near, you want me away and that’s just not what I want.” 

“You’re looking at this all wrong, I don’t _want_ you away, I thought that’s what you’d want, I thought that you didn’t want any of this, s’why you never talked about what we did or never did anything other than lecture me when I got hurt.” Jim wrung his hands between his knees. “I thought you didn’t want me, I thought you were trying to distance yourself-” 

“So, to distance myself I went and got myself killed?” 

“No, to distance yourself you slept with your back to me, you only let me stay after I hung around long enough for you to offer, and then I send you down to that fucking planet and this happens - like I piss you off enough on a normal day, but this time I almost get you murdered.” Jim stood with the stress that had been building and started to pace around the bio bed. “I almost get you killed, you’re bleeding all over the place, your heart _stops_ ‘cause of me and I can’t hear anything but you in my head over and over saying how you just want some ‘damn peace’... so, I got you a transfer and I’m just-” Jim sat against, pressing his head into his hands. “I’m sorry, I just can’t get it right when it comes to you.” 

Leonard paused, letting the silence build between them. He sighed under the realisation that they had both been as bad as each other. Of course Leonard slept with his back to Jim because he couldn’t bare to look at him and be rejected - then, waking up in his arms felt like he’d overstepped a boundary Jim was too polite to bring up. Above that, all his lectures came from his deeply unsatisfied need to keep Jim safe - and if Leonard couldn’t do it first hand, he would lecture Jim until it was ingrained in him to do so himself. “Jim, I don’t need ‘peace’ to be on a planet by myself, I’d take ‘peace’ if it meant you’d stop throwing yourself in the pit anytime one of your crew gets hurt, or if you didn’t throw yourself in front of phaser fire.” 

“I can’t say I won’t, I have to keep my crew safe.” Leonard knew that, even as Jim was saying it - at the question of Jim’s heroism or stupidity, they would always be at an impasse. Still, he supposed it was this aspect of Jim’s character that drew him in so much as well as had him tirelessly working to bring him back every time. It both fueled and exhausted Leonard to love Jim as he did. But he couldn’t be without it, that much was clear. 

“Well, I’m not leaving this ship and I’m not promising to work a miracle every time.” Leonard said, glad that their argument had been reduced to much quieter tones since the fight was sapping more energy than he had to give. 

“Okay, you’re not leaving and no miracles, I can take that.”

“Just promise me you’ll _try_ to be more careful?” Leonard caught Jim’s gaze, his dark eyes searching for any hint of promise. “Please, Jim.”

“Yeah, Bones, I promise - I will be more careful.” Jim nodded, and despite his earlier exception, there were no lies on his face, and Leonard truly believed Jim would be more mindful of himself.

“Alright, then.” Leonard dropped the hold he had on Jim’s gaze before dropping left hand off the bed in offering to Jim who wasted no time in picking it up and softly examining Leonard’s palm with soft thumbs. It was a relief to come to the end of his conflict with Jim, but he still felt like he was holding some things back - not for good, just for a little while longer until Leonard had explored these new boundaries.

“Before we never talk about this again, I just want you to know that when I saw you on the floor, it freaked me out more than anything I’ve ever seen.” Jim still had his eyes on Leonard’s palm, pressing each bend and tracing the lines. “When you say you wonder if I’ll ever come back or that I’ll leave you, I thought the same of you when you were lying there, I thought I’d never tell you how I felt or how you made me feel.” 

“Guess we’re both idiots then, huh?” Leonard mused with a small smirk that Jim mirrored.

“I never wanted you to leave ‘cause I knew I’d be miserable and more reckless than ever, but I thought it’s what I deserved for getting you hurt-”

“Jim, this wasn’t _you_ -”  
“I know, Bones, but, in my head…” Jim winced and Leonard’s caring character had him lifting the hand from Jim’s grasp just to caress his cheek and run a hand over Jim’s hair. 

“S’okay, kid, I wasn’t gonna leave.” Jim pursed a smile before dipping his head again, leaning into Leonard’s hand at the side of his head and placing his own palm over it, shutting his eyes as he did. 

“Can we just agree to stop not saying things?” Jim’s vicious blues opened again to meet Leonard’s gaze and Leonard found himself nodding in agreement before he had even thought it through - but Jim was right, there was no point in leaving anything unsaid now, he had already gotten more than half of whatever he had pent up out. “‘Cause I feel like one of us is gonna regret something if we don’t.” 

“You’re right, it’s stupid.” Bones said with a shrug and took his hand back, using it as leverage to push himself over in the bed. “So, get up here.” 

“What?” Jim asked dumbly.

“Get up here.” Leonard tilted his head and patted the empty space beside him as Jim went to stand but couldn’t quite find the certainty as he glanced to the door, searching for any strict medical staff. “Jim, I’m CMO, you don’t think I can bend the rules a little?” 

As if proving his point, he reached up to push a few selections on the board above his head before patting the space beside him again. “C’mon.” 

Jim sat up on the bed first, testing that no one was going to come running before swinging his legs and and nestling against the pillow facing Leonard. 

“Don’t you ever be so stupidly brave ever again, that’s an order.” Jim said after only a moments hesitation. 

“Deal.” Leonard agreed. “But only if we can do this more often.” Leonard countered with his right hand rustling through Jim’s golden hair, their faces only inches apart.

“Deal, but you have your landing party privileges revoked.” Jim said, a smile shining in his eyes for the first time since Leonard had woke up. 

“And all it took was a fucked up leg? If I’d known that’d work, I would’ve done this months ago.” Leonard joked and Jim broke a grin, one that Leonard took pride in wiping off with a series of soft kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus h crust.   
> okay im so sorry it took literally months to update this but here we are. idk what happened. i do, i fell out with it and got annoyed with it and rolled my eyes at it and abandoned it. but here it is!! finished!!! complete!!! done!!!!  
> > things to note;   
>  \- no mention of the into darkness superblood thing bc i couldnt be bothered dealing with that - that issue is way too big to be condensed here.   
>  \- its finished, complete, done. no more parts or additions.   
>  \- i've spent the past week trying to finish this off so sorry if there's spelling mistake but idgaf, i'll fix them in 3 months time when i can bear to look at this fic again. 
> 
> anyway!! !   
> i hope you enjoy the last part of it!! this will sure teach me for jumping head first into a fic with no plan!!

**Author's Note:**

> because i can't write mckirk without hurt. also i know the violence isn't graphic even though i ticked that box but i just wanted to disclose that there was some violence. warning is good!  
> anyways, let me know and as always hmu @greglet.tumblr.com  
> llap


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